I'm not a monster

@waesosirious oh mais c’était pas le point de mon post! je suis même pas si vieille que ça, et je supporte. bon bien sûr entendre les discussions des filles de ta classe genre, “j’avais 14 ans et demi pour ma première fois” et toi tu restes là parce que t’as rien à dire à ce sujet… mais ça ça me dérange pas en soi. attendre le “bon moment” me pose pas de problème. ce qui me pose problème c’est que je me dis, et je le sais, que le “bon moment” n’arrivera jamais.

ive reached this point where for some unknown reason, ive just been craving a kiss for the past few days.

i have no idea how a kiss feels like.

but for some reason, i want to know, now.

but because of my current condition as well as the way i think and my heart does stuff, i dont think the day i’ll know how a kiss feels like will ever come.

this has been like that for a while. for - at least 5 years. 6, maybe. ive liked and loved through the internet only. and in my whole life - as short as it is - i have never loved someone i saw everyday - someone i knew in real life. this never happened.

for the past 5/6 years, ive found myself liking guys i had never met, guys i would never meet, guys that lived a thousand km away from me, guys who wouldnt even speak the same language as me. most of them were guys i actually had contact with ; id meet them wherever, on games most of the time, and we’d meet more than once on there and we’d talk. and we’d talk and we’d talk. and i’d fall. most of the time it was just simple attraction to how nice theyd be to me - nothing really big. not really love.

but since that started in my heart… i dont think im going “normally”.

because ive always had growing feelings for people i barely knew.

because i could fall deeply in love with someone ive spoken to just a few times. even without ever meeting them. even without even knowing how their face looks like. even without even knowing how their voice sounds like.

ive been living that way… ever since i started liking and loving. so anything else… i cant do it. its not for me.

i cant be the girlfriend — not like anyone ever asked me to be theirs — of someone i have no feelings for. i cant date someone i have no feelings for.

people kept telling me, “but you get feelings for someone by dating them,” and the only thing i could answer: i dont. my heart doesnt work that way.

and then, there’s that.

i would never want to kiss someone im not in love with.

so…

when the only man im loving now… more than anything and more than anyone… to this day, probably hates me…

i guess i can kiss my first kiss goodbye, right? (ah, sweet play on words there, Kach. very clever. you suck.)

since he’s the only person id accept a kiss from… since i dont want anybody else but him… but since he’ll never, ever be by my side… then?

im bound to live my whole life wondering how a kiss feels like.